Apparently, I am epically awesome and such...

Y’all know how I feel about blogger awards which, as my buddy Sleepy Bard so eloquently noted, are like “fucking herpes in the blogosphere.” However, I cannot, in good conscience, ignore those who appreciate me, so I always (reluctantly) play along... 

Plus, I’m a total attention whore and, as much as I bitch about awards, I get a little chub every time someone gives me one.
 
Now, speaking of Sleepy Bard and getting a chubby... See what I did there? 

Thanks to Sleepy Bard, I was one of ten bloggers who received the "Epically Awesome Award of Epic Awesomeness," which is pretty epically awesome, especially from someone as epically awesome as her!

In addition to naming ten other epically awesome bloggers, I am supposed to give y'all ten things about myself that are epic. This won't be hard because EVERYTHING about me is motherfucking epic.

Which leads me to The Six-Fingered Monkey's epic fact #1... 

1. My EGO is EPIC. 

I love me. I love talking about me. I love being me. Hell, I love "loving" me and I totally know that I'm the shit - but other people do too, so its not like it's unwarranted. In fact, this totally happened yesterday:

While on line at T.J. Maxx, I ran into my old guidance counselor who said, "You know, every time I see you I think... There's Jesus!"

I'm like Jesus y'all. You can't get any cooler than that. 

Although he was referring to my "epic" role as Jesus Christ in a high school production of "Godspell" more than 20 years ago, I didn't tell that to the other people on line who totally thought my guidance counselor was crazy thought they were in the presence of greatness.

2. I have EPIC genes. 

This may comes as a surprise considering that there's questionable ancestry on both sides of my family, but somehow I managed to secure some pretty incredible genes. I mean, how do explain the fact that I fathered two of the most adorable and gifted children on the planet? 

And don't say they take after their mother... because, um... no.

3. I have an EPIC arsenal of swear words.

As a writer, I consider myself a wordsmith. However, I am particularly proud of the fact that I can weave together a string of insults and dirty phrases that would make a hardened sailor blush. I thank my late grandpa for this unique gift.   

4.  My farts are EPIC. 

I know that most guys out there would argue that THEIR flatulence is second to none, but you have never known hell until you've experienced a dutch oven from The Six-Fingered Monkey. Yes friends, my farts are epic, both in sound and smell (imagine a dead squirrel lodged in your wall). I'm going places people, with the wind at my back.

5. The volume of my voice is EPIC. 

I'm loud, even when I am not yelling. My voice is SO loud, in fact, that people who don't know me often accuse me of yelling at them, even when I am not. It sucks because people automatically assume that I am mean, but I'm really just a boisterous little kitten.

6. I have EPIC sexual fantasies.

Much like my arsenal dirty words, I have an arsenal of epic ever-changing dirty fetishes. I would list them here, but that would mean risking arrest or being blackballed. If you're curious to know more (and you're available), feel free to contact me privately. Depending on who you are, my list will either make you vomit or drop your pants. 

7. I have an EPIC girlfriend.

See what I did THERE? I mean, I can't make a statement like the one above and not mention my epic girlfriend, at least not if I value my life. Seriously though? When you read my epic list and realize that there is a woman out there who actually puts up with my shit and still loves me? 

Yeah. Clearly, she is epic... and smoking hot too. 

8. I have EPIC hair. 

No. Seriously. I have thick, shiny, pin-straight hair, which is both a blessing and a curse. Hair stylists hate it and ladies love it. It looks awful when it gets too long and getting a decent haircut is near impossible... but its pretty clear that I'm never going to go bald. 

9. Similarly, I have EPIC eyelashes and eyebrows.

Epic eyelashes are a major win, because the ladies love them. Epic eyebrows? Not so much... and, in case you're wondering, I pluck.
  
10. I have an EPIC fear of travel.

Whether by plane, train, automobile or otherwise, I hate traveling and its not that I hate the experience either. For some unknown reason, traveling makes me worry... mostly about death or injury. 

It's totally something that I am working on, though. I mean, with Canada now under my belt, and a shitload of trips planned this year (including a trip to Eastern Europe), I'm not gonna let these silly fears stop me from finally getting to travel (and get some much needed naked time in Croatia).  

There's also another EPIC thing about me... I'm am epically awesome when it comes to awards and, therefore, if you are named below, I absolve you of having to follow through with any of the associated requirements.

Because I am the King. 

My nominees for the epically awesome blogger award? 

1. TILTE
2. My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog
3. Delightfully Ludicrous 
4. Pickleope
5. Kat's Theory of Life
6. Mayor Gia
7. The Robot Mommy
8. Change the Topic
9. My Own Private Idaho
10. Ken -inatractor

Now, that's not the only award I got today.

I know. FUCK. Right?

Since this is the second time that I received the Liebester Award, I'm not going to pass it along or participate... but I will answer the questions posed by Mina Lobo (the epically awesome blogger who nominated me), just because I LOVE talking about myself (see above). 

1. Some movies I love are: Saturday Night Fever, Duets, Groundhog Day, Dog Day Afternoon, any awards show that I can make fun of on Twitter.
2. As for music, I groove to: Everything from early 90s hip-hop, disco and classic rock to punk, WWII-era music, and, most recently, classic jazz
3. I rarely miss these TV shows: Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Big Bang Theory, Family Guy, Judge Judy, American Horror Story (season 1 and 2)
4. I hated these foods when I was a kid, but now I heart them: broccoli, asparagus, spinach 
5. I like to celebrate my loved ones by: writing about them
6. Some authors whose every work I will read without fail are: Pass. I don't read as much as I should.
7. These colors make me feel great when I wear them: black, black and black
8. I'm always up for a game of: scrabble, rummy, spin the bottle
9. My fave treats from that special someone are: Those treats that involve a mouth on my nether regions. Seriously? You really asked that question?
10. I think it'd be fun to try out this job for a day: Fluffer!