Am I Really That Interesting?

While some bloggers take pride in the number of followers they have, how many “likes” their Facebook page can garner, or how many times their messages are re-tweeted, I have found a new measure of popularity...

The stalker.

Think about it, when someone becomes SO obsessed with what you’re saying and doing online, that following your every move becomes their part-time job, CLEARLY you are important...

Or your stalker is a psycho!

 
Yes, but psycho enough to think that I MATTER!

Either way?

I must be pretty fucking awesome.

Look, in this age of social media? Stalkers are pretty much a given. In fact, we are ALL guilty of being online stalkers. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it’s kinda like having super powers... as long as you don’t use it for evil, no harm, no foul... right?

Having stalked and been stalked, I have found that there are three types of stalker:

Stalker #1: The Innocent Stalker

Most sane people (like you and I, for example) fall into this category. These are the people who have harmless crushes, innocent voyeuristic tendencies, or simply don’t like to participate in online banter. I have a LOT of innocent stalkers. I see your IP addresses people! I know how many times you come here and many of you appear every time I write a new blog post (which is really awesome by the way), but you never comment. YOU are the innocent stalker.

Stalker #2: The Trouble-Making Stalker

Trouble-makers are usually the ones that leave anonymous comments on your blog about what an asshole you are or use words you’ve published online to undermine you publically. Of course, most trouble-making stalkers prefer to remain anonymous because they’re pussies. I have had a few trouble-making stalkers over the years, for sure, and the the interesting thing about THESE stalkers is that, in addition to being complete pussies? They’re not very bright. What they don’t realize is that a good online IP tracking program, coupled with half-a-brain, can reveal EXACTLY who is causing trouble... but we’ll get back to those idiots in a moment.

Stalker #3: The Dangerous Stalker

These are the ones that you hear about on ET. You know, the type of stalker that thinks that you are talking directly to them... The type of stalker that interacts with you online as if you have some sort of personal relationship, even though you have never met... The type of stalker that breaks into your house and waits for you, naked... on TOP of the covers. Okay, that sounds kinda hot... but still, a little TOO psycho. The dangerous stalker is the one that wants to cause you harm.

So, there you have it, the three types of stalker.

Today, I had yet another run-in (so to speak) with stalker #2. I suspect its not a new stalker. In fact, I have a handful of trouble-making stalkers who have been playing games with me for a few years now. I know every single one of them. I know their names. I know where they sit when they read my blog. I know where they live...but this time, they crossed a line, bringing them one step closer to Stalker #3.

An envelope arrived at my office today and inside was a copy of the post I had written about my recent change in employment status. You can bet that if they sent it to my office, they sent it to the “higher ups.”

Now, friends, this isn’t the first time someone has sent a copy of something I wrote online to my employer. No, I have had to explain away posts about shitting myself, masturbating and wanting to punch people in the fucking throat.

All in a day’s work, right?

So, what made this one different?

In comparison, THAT post wasn’t even that bad...

It was the way it was presented.

Stalker #2 crossed the line by taking the time and effort to cut and paste my words into what can only be described as “letter form”, with one simple change... They added my name to the bottom, kinda like a signature.

Damon Peter Rallis

There was no reference to my blog, no reference to a website address or even a mention of The Six-Fingered Monkey... It was presented as if it were some sort of missive (in letter form) sent by yours truly.

If you were the recipient of that letter, it wasn’t sent by me... I value my website traffic too much and I can’t afford Sylvia Plath stamps!

So, all of this got me thinking...

Who the FUCK would do something like this?

Seriously.

Am I scared? Well, only in the sense that the perpetrator has crossed a line that clearly borders some sort of psychotic behavior and, trust me, the police report is forthcoming.

Am I worried about what this could do to my career?

Nah. The truth is, this sort of behavior is getting old and, quite frankly, laughable... but, as a human being, I can’t help but wonder what would drive a person to take such drastic measures to hurt someone else.

Is it jealousy? I mean, what could this person possibly be jealous of?

I make a modest income and most of it goes to child support and alimony. Maybe they’re jealous of my kids... the children of my “known” stalkers aren’t nearly as attractive as mine and are likely as dumb as they are.

Maybe they’re jealous of my smoking hot girlfriend. I mean, it must be hard to go to bed alone at night or know that they are stuck in a miserable marriage while I’m over here making love to the hottest chick on the planet.

Maybe they feel like they need to draw attention away from themselves... We all know that those who live in glass houses are always so fucking quick to throw stones.

Its really pointless, though, trying to figure out what’s going on in the mind of a madman (or woman... I’m stalked by both). So, I guess there’s no point.

The Girlfriend (as well as a close friend) told me to let this subject be. They told me that the best way to combat this was to ignore it... but, after giving it a lot of thought, I respectfully ignored their opinions because I’ve done nothing wrong here and I DO believe that the stalker’s ultimate goal is to punish me.

What could be the worst punishment for The Six-Fingered Monkey?

Take his words away.

Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

You know, the more I think about it? I suspect that the real reason I’m being targeted here is because my stalker wants to fuck me. I mean, its OBVIOUS that they want to fuck me... but I’m talking in the biblical sense.

Dear Stalker,

I know you want to fuck me, but its NOT gonna happen.

Sorry.

Sincerely,

Damon Peter Rallis

PS: How bout you print this one out, shove it in an envelope, and let everyone know that what you really want is this motherfucking HOT body.

Sigh.

And here I thought I was on a road free of drama.

Oh well, at least these assholes have given me something to write about!

How about you, fellow bloggers?

Do you have any stalkers that are trying to fuck up your program, or am I some kind of sick anomaly?

Help?