“Seriously? THAT was why I told you NOT to use that title!”
“It was a fucking joke, dude. Read my blog.”
“I DID read your blog, but a lot of people don’t dude.”
“Oh, so what you’re saying is that people just read the title and move on?”
“Yes!”
“Everyone is STUPID. Everyone.”
“Everyone is stupid?”
“Yes. Everyone in the world is stupid except for me.”
“You are ridiculous.”
“Now, I need to write a new blog explaining that I do NOT have herpes.”
I get my blood test results tomorrow and I’m pretty sure that I don’t have Lyme Disease, Herpes, or any other sort of viral infection, though most doctors will tell you its viral.
Its got nothing to do with that.
I like my friend’s take on it. He is a chiropractor and, now, MY chiropractor. He suggested that perhaps it is not viral at all... that the inflammation is perhaps caused by physical or emotional stress, coupled with my unhealthy lifestyle.
It makes sense.
I don’t take care of myself, I’ve been doing a shit-ton of manual labor (which is typically not in my vocabulary), and I am stressed the fuck out. I mean, forget about my shit job that makes me want to poke my fucking eyes out... I have been coming to the realization lately that I have yet to find closure in the death of my grandmother.
Today would have been Nana’s 79th birthday. Last Friday we finally closed on her house... my childhood home. I can never go back there again. I said goodbye one last time on Thursday and I thought... I thought that THAT would be my closure, but it brought me to the realization that closure is nowhere in sight.
I don’t know. I don’t know what to say here. I have not been right since she died. My writing has suffered. My relationships with the people I love the most have suffered. My mental and my physical health has suffered.
The good news is that I recognize it... all of it.
The Girlfriend and I have been talking a lot in the last few days and she helped me come to the conclusion that I am not going to get better by locking myself away in my room or in my head... but by living life.
That’s what I am going to do.
Its the only way I am going to feel better.
It is the only way I’m going to find closure.
At the urging of The Girlfriend, I reluctantly brought the kids to Nana’s grave for the first time since she passed. We each brought a single tulip to place on her tombstone in honor of her birthday. I didn’t want to do it, but I am so glad that I did.
So glad.
And just for the record? Crying with Bells Palsy SUCKS.
2 comments:
That was a rough post, man. You gave me mental herpes with all the ups and downs. Sorry, I know, you don't have herpes. But the part about your grandma almost brought me to tears. I hope you do feel better. It sounds like you have a really great girlfriend if she can inspire you like that.
I know that post must have been tough to write. It made me tear up.
I am sorry for your loss.
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