Peppered throughout my soon-to-be-five-year-old’s seemingly endless hours of Lego, Army, Hess truck, fantasy baseball and video game play, are repeated references to bodily functions...
In typical four-year-old fashion, his vocab arsenal includes variants of the words “poop,” “pee,” “farts,” and, most recently?
|This photo was taken 3 years ago, but not much has changed!|
The “penis” thing, on the other hand, seems to have come out of left field.
Oh come on Six, we read your blog! Do you expect us to believe that you didn’t have a hand in all this?
Look, I recognize that I am technically a twelve-year-old trapped in a thirty-eight-year-old’s body (come on, bodily functions ARE funny), but NO ONE can accuse me of running around the house, pulling my pud, and chanting, “Penis! Penis! Penis!” ...at least not when the kids are around.
On those rare occasions when the children are exposed to naked daddy, they usually run away frightened.
“OH. MY. GOD,” Lu-Dog shrieked when he once walked in on me getting dressed. “DADDY’S NAKED!”
“So what,” I snapped. “We’re all the same.”
“No we’re NOT,” Lu-Dog replied, shielding his eyes. “First of all, YOU are FAT... and your penis is big and hairy.”
“Then KNOCK next time!”
Come to think of it, this is the reaction I get from EVERYONE that sees me naked, minus the “big” comment...
I suppose it has everything to do with perspective.
My only crime here, I suppose, is making the mistake of laughing the first time D-Man pulled his pajama bottoms down and yelled, “Oppa Gangnam Style!”
Seriously. D-Man has taken to K-pop flashing as sport and while hilariously worthy, at first, of a submission to America’s Funniest Home Videos, I recognize that this is something that has to be nipped in the bud, lest he start dropping trou in public.
“Penises are private D-man,” I explained, “which means we DON’T show them to other people.”
“...and the penis talk needs to stop too,” I continued. “It’s inappropriate.”
“I hope you haven’t been using inappropriate language at school the way you’ve been using it around here.”
“Do you use inappropriate words at school?”
“I said penis to my teacher once...”
“Good... WAIT. WHAT?”
“I told my teacher that one of my friends punched me in the penis and he got in trouble for punching me in the penis.”
“Oh... Okay. Well... THAT’S okay.”
Lu-Dog chimed in with a devilish grin, “Why is THAT okay dad?”
“Seriously Lu-Dog?” I shot him the evil eye. “You BOTH know the difference.”
“Its a valid question dad.”
These boys are killing me... slowly.