Peppered throughout my soon-to-be-five-year-old’s seemingly endless hours of Lego, Army, Hess truck, fantasy baseball and video game play, are repeated references to bodily functions...
Particularly, poop.
In typical four-year-old fashion, his vocab arsenal includes variants of the words “poop,” “pee,” “farts,” and, most recently?
“Penis!”
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| This photo was taken 3 years ago, but not much has changed! |
The “penis” thing, on the other hand, seems to have come out of left field.
Oh come on Six, we read your blog! Do you expect us to believe that you didn’t have a hand in all this?
Look, I recognize that I am technically a twelve-year-old trapped in a thirty-eight-year-old’s body (come on, bodily functions ARE funny), but NO ONE can accuse me of running around the house, pulling my pud, and chanting, “Penis! Penis! Penis!” ...at least not when the kids are around.
On those rare occasions when the children are exposed to naked daddy, they usually run away frightened.
“OH. MY. GOD,” Lu-Dog shrieked when he once walked in on me getting dressed. “DADDY’S NAKED!”
“So what,” I snapped. “We’re all the same.”
“No we’re NOT,” Lu-Dog replied, shielding his eyes. “First of all, YOU are FAT... and your penis is big and hairy.”
“Then KNOCK next time!”
Come to think of it, this is the reaction I get from EVERYONE that sees me naked, minus the “big” comment...
I suppose it has everything to do with perspective.
Anywho...
My only crime here, I suppose, is making the mistake of laughing the first time D-Man pulled his pajama bottoms down and yelled, “Oppa Gangnam Style!”
Seriously?
Seriously. D-Man has taken to K-pop flashing as sport and while hilariously worthy, at first, of a submission to America’s Funniest Home Videos, I recognize that this is something that has to be nipped in the bud, lest he start dropping trou in public.
“Penises are private D-man,” I explained, “which means we DON’T show them to other people.”
“Okay daddy.”
“...and the penis talk needs to stop too,” I continued. “It’s inappropriate.”
“Okay daddy.”
“I hope you haven’t been using inappropriate language at school the way you’ve been using it around here.”
“Um...”
“Do you use inappropriate words at school?”
“I said penis to my teacher once...”
“Good... WAIT. WHAT?”
“I told my teacher that one of my friends punched me in the penis and he got in trouble for punching me in the penis.”
“Oh... Okay. Well... THAT’S okay.”
Lu-Dog chimed in with a devilish grin, “Why is THAT okay dad?”
“Seriously Lu-Dog?” I shot him the evil eye. “You BOTH know the difference.”
“Its a valid question dad.”
These boys are killing me... slowly.
Sigh.
You DON'T run around the house pulling your pud chanting "Penis"? What's a person supposed to do on Tuesday nights, then? Also, exposing yourself to your kids is a great way to build your legend. They're going to grow telling Paul Bunyun-like tales of your massive hog because kids memories aren't very reliable.
ReplyDeleteKids are so unpredictable! Just when you think you have them figured out and under control they whip out their penises!
ReplyDeleteAhhhh the joys of raising boys, I have had similar conversations like these...of course most of them are posted in my blog, they never allow a shortage of blog material.
ReplyDeleteBWAHAHAHAHAAAA
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, that pic of little D has been my fave of him, it's just so "devilish little boy", it's precious.
I don't think I could stop myself from laughing until the tears run if I saw D do the Oppa Gangnam Style thing. Fucking hysterical.
The other day my 14 year old son walked in my room after I had just gotten out of the shower without knocking and got pissed at me for being naked! You would think he'd learn after 14 years! On a more serious note, way cool that your son called your penis big!
ReplyDelete