"Changing the Topic" One More Time... (Guest Post Part II)

So, remember that time I let that guy, Birdman, over at Change The Topic, write a guest post here at The Six-Fingered Monkey? No? Well, go back and check it out, because it is a great story... but the bastard left us hanging. So, I'm giving him a chance to redeem himself here with Part II. Take it away, Birdman...

So after I so rudely stopped in the middle of my story, and then waited two fucking weeks to finish it, I suspect that you will never visit my blog, and I don't blame you. I'm a complete asshair, and I don't deserve your time.

Needless to say the cops came and took her to the hospital. The hospital was within throwing distance of her apartment, and she could've walked there in the time it took to come over to our apartment and wait for the cops to get there. The police asked if we could look after the dog and cat that were left in the apartment. This was kind of a shock because we weren't allowed to have animals in the building, so I called my buddy that owned the place. He wasn't overly happy about the pets being there, and even less about the cops having to be called in. I went over to make sure the dog and cat couldn't get out and that they had food, but when I walked in, the place was a complete write-off. It was fucking disgusting is what it was. Generally when someone owns a cat they own a litter box as well. Not so much the case here. The kitten had taken to shitting in the closet, and I don't know if you know much about kittens, but their shit is not what you'd call the most solid.

I went to the one bedroom and there was just a mattress on the floor. Beside it was a pile of cigarette butts probably a foot high, and they had been butted out right on the laminate. The kitchen was a write off. The table was on its side against the far wall there was blood sprayed all over the walls and appliances, and what was left of the bag of dog food was scattered all over the floor. It looked like the dog and cat were eating the same food, because I couldn't find a bag of cat food. There were cupboards broken off and everything on the counter was spread around the room.

I totally love animals, so I brought her puppy over to our apartment and left the kitten there. (we didn't have a litter box either, and there is no way I was having my closet full of cat shit. The dog only shit on the floor once, and it was a small one anyways, so no big deal. It would have been fine if the one alki had of either let him out, or woke me up to do it, but he just smoked some cigarettes while the puppy cried in pain at the door. He then watched him shit on the mat, and then walked down to the store for another pack of butts and some coffee.

When I got up to let him out I saw the little turd in front of the door. That lazy prick had to step over a piece of shit to go get his smokes, and then again on the way back. Urgh.

I didn't stay too long in that apartment after this night, but that's another story in itself. I guess I'll have to tell that sooner or later, probably sooner.

My friend the landlord asked me to please take the animals to the RCMP the next morning, and find out what we should do with them, seeing as they weren't allowed to have them in the apartment and the girl never came back that night. I spoke with one of the officers and she told me to just take them to the BCSPCA and explain the situation to the people there. Apparently she had just gone and got them from the shelter a week earlier, so they were familiar with them. I don't know what the fuck people are thinking sometimes.

Anyhow, I shouldn't waste so much time on a back story for a simple story about how I came across a certain porno. The fact is, that she never came back to get her stuff, pay her rent, or even feed her animals. For a really long time. So the landlord ended up having to clean out the apartment and put their stuff in storage for forty five days or until they paid him the money they owed, plus the storage fee. They never did, so as he was throwing all of their stuff in the dumpster, I asked him about the computer. He was going to throw it, because the keyboard was missing a bunch of keys. I explained that the computer tower was fairly new, and would probably be a decent machine. He said that I could have it if I wanted, so I promptly scooped it up for my mom, because I was moving back to Ontario soon.

When I got to my apartment, I plugged it in to see if it was a better one than my mom already had. I knew that the monitor was better, because she had a really old IBM 15” that was deeper than it was wide, and this was a flat panel 21”. She was finally going to be able to see her screen without scrolling around. The machine fired up pretty fast and then I saw it. Right on the motherfucking desktop. A video in the middle of nowhere that was called “Logitech Webcam ~003”.

What's this? A webcam video? Probably just someone making stupid faces into the camera like most assholes do when they get a webcam. Let's just click here for a minute and see...

Holy shit, it's that chick getting prison fucked by a big tattooed guy that really doesn't know the meaning of foreplay. She seemed to be the mastermind of the operation, getting the camera aimed, leaving the soap opera playing as the soundtrack, and instigating the sex. Well, up until the apparent anal penetration. Dry.

And that, boys and girls, is why Mrs. Birdman won't let me pass that one around. She says that it was forced, and I half-heartedly agree, but she was still saying “I love you, baby” and kissing him after the screaming was over, so I like to think that they were doing some sort of roleplaying. She also says that I shouldn't be sharing it, because of the whole “She didn't intend for anyone else to see that” thing, and the “That is her private movie that she made for herself, not for the public” thing.

I don't know about you, but if I had a computer that was password protected for almost everything on it, I wouldn't leave a homemade porno sitting, unlocked in the middle of the desktop. I would also go back to my apartment before the landlord got a chance to evict me, and get my computer, or in the very least, delete my pornos from it. Therefore, I would say that it was left there for public consumption. Wouldn't you agree?

Anyhow, it doesn't matter whether I want to share this movie with everyone, or not. I have promised my lady that I wouldn't, and when I make a promise, I do my utmost to keep it. All in all, except for the implied rape, it's a pretty shitty porno. He lifts one side of her shirt up to expose a nipple for a few brief seconds, checks to make sure she's ready, and then reefs her pyjamas up (she's on her back with her legs up), and then he goes to town. It's basically a sausage fest, but if a chick has fantasies of being roughed up and sodomized, this is the movie for her.

Love is hot, truth is molten,

Birdman