This is my Dude Write #7 submission. If you like it, get your ass over there and vote for me. While you're there, check out some of the other great dude bloggers.
While exiting the bank the other day, I held the door for an elderly woman making her way into the building from the sweltering heat.
Being a keen observer and obsessive people watcher, I usually spend these empty moments sizing up whomever falls within my line of sight... particularly females... even the elderly.
While I wouldn’t call this lady a silver fox, she is likely a feisty one, even if she’s pushing eighty.
Still quite stylish, I imagine that she was probably a hot number back in the day. She was wearing a pair of lime green Capri pants, Dolce and Gabbana shades, and a tight, white polo-style shirt that hugged her unusually large breasts.
I immediately thought about masturbation.
While exiting the bank the other day, I held the door for an elderly woman making her way into the building from the sweltering heat.
Being a keen observer and obsessive people watcher, I usually spend these empty moments sizing up whomever falls within my line of sight... particularly females... even the elderly.
While I wouldn’t call this lady a silver fox, she is likely a feisty one, even if she’s pushing eighty.
Still quite stylish, I imagine that she was probably a hot number back in the day. She was wearing a pair of lime green Capri pants, Dolce and Gabbana shades, and a tight, white polo-style shirt that hugged her unusually large breasts.
I immediately thought about masturbation.
Damn Six, you nasty!
Before you go jumping to conclusions, the answer is, no, I was NOT turned on by the old broad -- that’s not to say that I WOULDN’T be turned on by an old broad. I consider myself to be an equal opportunity lover... and age, race, and weight have no bearing on my arousal.
In this case, the lady SMELLED like masturbation... which, for me, is actually a turn-off.
Wait a second, Six. WHAT does masturbation SMELL like?
Well, I suppose it depends on who you ask... but, for me? It smells like Pond’s cold cream.
That’s right, the smell of Pond’s cold cream makes The Six-Fingered Monkey think about masturbation.
Okay, but why is that a turn off? I mean, aren’t you a self-professed three-times-a-day spanker?
True, but the smell of Pond’s cold cream doesn’t make me think of my current masturbatory practices. It actually reminds me of being a preteen tugger, locked in the bathroom trying to rub one out before Nana realized that her Pond’s was missing.
Ew....
Sorry folks, it's a fact of life... young boys pull their pud.
The first year of masturbatory antics was unpleasant at best, fraught with a strange sense of pain and pleasure (obvious pleasure mixed with the pain of my dry, red and chapped member), as well as confusion, particularly when my penis responded to all this newfound attention by squirting a clear, sticky, strange-tasting substance.
Oh bullshit, none of us resisted the urge to do the “taste test.”
Convinced that God was punishing me for touching myself, by turning my penis red and my pee white, I sought advice from an older neighbor kid.
“Something happened when I was playing with myself,” I confided. “This weird stuff squirted out of me.”
“Duh,” he said, smacking me upside the head. “You ejaculated.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s what happens when you play with yourself,” he said. “Thats why they call it JACKING OFF.”
“Oh,” I said. “I knew that... I was just testing you.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I’m not gonna play with myself anymore. I don’t like it.”
“Are you crazy,” he asked. “I play with myself all the time and I LOVE it and it feels REALLY good when I ejaculate.”
“It does?”
“Duh! The other day? I ejaculated TWICE in one day.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, and you know what my cousin told me?”
“What?”
“If you can ejaculate THREE times in one day, you’re a stud!”
“Really?”
“Yup,” he replied. “He would know... He’s in high school!”
“Wow,” I said. “I don’t know... It hurts more than it feels good when I do it, so I’m not gonna do it anymore.”
“It hurts how?”
“I don’t know... it makes my penis all red and stuff.”
“What are you using for lube?”
“Lube?”
“You know... lubrication.”
“Um...”
“You’re not using lube?”
I shook my head and he roared with laughter.
“No wonder your dick’s all red,” he said. “You need to use something to prevent friction.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I use my sister’s hand lotion, but you can use anything... Vaseline... Soap, usually when you’re in the shower... anything like that works.
Later that night, while my grandparents dozed off in front of the television, I searched the house for some sort of lube, to no avail... and then I remembered.... At the end of each day, Nana would put this creamy white stuff on her face from a jar she kept on her dresser. Maybe that would make a good lube... So, I tiptoed into her bedroom and there it was... the product that would change my life forever...
Pond’s cold cream.
I twisted the cap and put my nose close to the jar. It smelled like Nana, which was a little weird, but I couldn’t be bothered... I was gonna be a STUD. I shoved my index finger into the jar and immediately realized that yes... THIS would be the perfect lube. I quickly wiped my finger off on my shirt, closed the jar and ran as fast as I could, Pond’s in hand, into the bathroom and locked the door.
I swear I didn’t come out of that bathroom, let alone the house, for the next three weeks.... but, when I did?
I sure smelled pretty.
All of my problems went away and masturbation went from being a confusing and daunting task, to a thrice-a-day ritual... Of course, over time, I built up a resistance to constant masturbation, much like the hands of a day-laborer, and, by high school, I was able to spank freely without any lube.
As a thirty-eight-year-old man, when I think of masturbation and sex, I prefer to think about my post-teen years, which is why the smell of Pond’s cold cream isn't really a turn on.
That’s right, the smell of Pond’s cold cream makes The Six-Fingered Monkey think about masturbation.
Okay, but why is that a turn off? I mean, aren’t you a self-professed three-times-a-day spanker?
True, but the smell of Pond’s cold cream doesn’t make me think of my current masturbatory practices. It actually reminds me of being a preteen tugger, locked in the bathroom trying to rub one out before Nana realized that her Pond’s was missing.
Ew....
Sorry folks, it's a fact of life... young boys pull their pud.
The first year of masturbatory antics was unpleasant at best, fraught with a strange sense of pain and pleasure (obvious pleasure mixed with the pain of my dry, red and chapped member), as well as confusion, particularly when my penis responded to all this newfound attention by squirting a clear, sticky, strange-tasting substance.
Oh bullshit, none of us resisted the urge to do the “taste test.”
Convinced that God was punishing me for touching myself, by turning my penis red and my pee white, I sought advice from an older neighbor kid.
“Something happened when I was playing with myself,” I confided. “This weird stuff squirted out of me.”
“Duh,” he said, smacking me upside the head. “You ejaculated.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s what happens when you play with yourself,” he said. “Thats why they call it JACKING OFF.”
“Oh,” I said. “I knew that... I was just testing you.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “I’m not gonna play with myself anymore. I don’t like it.”
“Are you crazy,” he asked. “I play with myself all the time and I LOVE it and it feels REALLY good when I ejaculate.”
“It does?”
“Duh! The other day? I ejaculated TWICE in one day.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, and you know what my cousin told me?”
“What?”
“If you can ejaculate THREE times in one day, you’re a stud!”
“Really?”
“Yup,” he replied. “He would know... He’s in high school!”
“Wow,” I said. “I don’t know... It hurts more than it feels good when I do it, so I’m not gonna do it anymore.”
“It hurts how?”
“I don’t know... it makes my penis all red and stuff.”
“What are you using for lube?”
“Lube?”
“You know... lubrication.”
“Um...”
“You’re not using lube?”
I shook my head and he roared with laughter.
“No wonder your dick’s all red,” he said. “You need to use something to prevent friction.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I use my sister’s hand lotion, but you can use anything... Vaseline... Soap, usually when you’re in the shower... anything like that works.
Later that night, while my grandparents dozed off in front of the television, I searched the house for some sort of lube, to no avail... and then I remembered.... At the end of each day, Nana would put this creamy white stuff on her face from a jar she kept on her dresser. Maybe that would make a good lube... So, I tiptoed into her bedroom and there it was... the product that would change my life forever...
Pond’s cold cream.
I twisted the cap and put my nose close to the jar. It smelled like Nana, which was a little weird, but I couldn’t be bothered... I was gonna be a STUD. I shoved my index finger into the jar and immediately realized that yes... THIS would be the perfect lube. I quickly wiped my finger off on my shirt, closed the jar and ran as fast as I could, Pond’s in hand, into the bathroom and locked the door.
I swear I didn’t come out of that bathroom, let alone the house, for the next three weeks.... but, when I did?
I sure smelled pretty.
All of my problems went away and masturbation went from being a confusing and daunting task, to a thrice-a-day ritual... Of course, over time, I built up a resistance to constant masturbation, much like the hands of a day-laborer, and, by high school, I was able to spank freely without any lube.
As a thirty-eight-year-old man, when I think of masturbation and sex, I prefer to think about my post-teen years, which is why the smell of Pond’s cold cream isn't really a turn on.
That, and it smells like my
grandmother.
19 comments:
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! This post made me laugh out loud for real. I just recently discovered Ponds (as a great cold cream, not a masturbatory aid), so I cannot wait to see the look of discomfort on your face when I meet you for the first time. I shall smell like your grandma, AND your 3 week sojourn in the bathroom. The perfect storm of arousal and disgust. :)
This is absolutely disgusting, depraved and immoral.
And very, very funny. I'm going to go read some more now.
Gonna have a hard time applying the Ponds tonight. (No pun...) Perhaps an endorsement deal is in your future? lol
This had to be one of the funniest posts I have ever read! But it is pretty fucked up that when it comes (no pun intended) full circle, you think about you grandma when you jerk off....it's like six degrees of separation.
ROFLMAO I was literally laughing out loud so hard that my hubby had to come over and see what was so funny. He laughed too. All while I was reading this, thoughts of my 14 yr old came to mind and I found myself wondering just what experiences has he had that I really don't want to know about.
Your honesty is both admirable and terrifying.
Hilarious. I am always wondering what my now 5-year old son is going to be getting into at that age...sigh. I don't use Ponds so that will definitely NOT be happening in this house. That reminds me of how the other day hubby rubbed some FlexAll into my pained shoulder, washed his hands, and then went to pee. Apparently there was still some of the minty FlexAll left on his hands and the tingling feeling was NOT SO GOOD. At least you didn't use your grandma's BenGay, huh?
**Gasps for air while recovering from uncontrollable bout of laughter brought on by this post** (at work)
As the mother of a tween boy I thank you, Six, for arming myself with the knowledge that I must immediately hide all my expensive creams and lotions and make available an unscented...um...lotion for general use in the house (and NEVER ask questions like, "What happened to all the lotion I just bought?")
OMG, this post was both hysterical and extremely disturbing, all wrapped up into one amazingly written piece. Now I need to go try and purge this mental image from my brain by copious amounts of alcohol.
Is it possible to feel disturbed, fascinated and highly amused all at once?
Based on the title and your avatar, I was not thinking this would be a clever post about Pond$ (do you make $ when you mention Pond$)
I thought this was going to be a stink finger post.
WG
@WG: Wow! Twice in one week, someone has questioned the truth about my posts! Nope Ponds is NOT paying me. Do you really think pervet men between the age of 35 and 50 are their target market? LOL The only person I've made $ off of in five years is Birdman, because he's a whore.
They say that a healthy weekly masturbation routine (or "real" sex), helps prevent prostrate cancer. I'd say you have nothing to worry about, and perhaps, may have found the ultimate preventive medicine. You're slogan could be, "3 jerks a day, keeps the doctor away."
Consider it a freebie, you can keep it.
Enjoyed it Six!
Michael A. Walker
Defying Procrastination
It's true. I'm a bit of a whore.
I really want to congratulate you. I was a 'dry rub' boy myself until about 17/18, when I finally discovered lube.
I can't tell you how many times I rubbed myself raw... I just thought that was God's way of punishing me. Nope, just turns out I was a dumbass.
You know, the more economical method would be to use saliva. No odors and no cost. It's gotta beat dry jacking!
I love a good, honest, and potentially embarrassing post!
The past 26 years of my life have led me to read this post and finally learn.
This was so funny that I submitted it to Reddit. Let me know if it lights up your blog.
@Joe: You lit it up like wildfire! Thanks my man!
For the love of God. Now I know where all the frickin' lotion's gone! I guess I might as well just ask my teenage son if he needs any lotion while we're out school shopping today. Then I'll give him that knowing parental stare and scar him for life. This could be fun.
Loved the post!
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