Food for the Zombie Apocalypse

When you become a famous blogger, you get all kinds of free shit from people who want you to review their products. Hell, if you get enough traffic, these people will even PAY YOU to let them place ads on your website.

Unfortunately, I only average about 500 unique hits per month and I have about 100 followers across my various social networking platforms. By my estimation, I could get about $5 a year for an ad spot. Clearly, I am a long way from becoming a famous blogger like, say, Jenny Lawson.

Today, however, I got my first ever legitimate (I think) review request and I’m pretty excited because clearly this means that I am on the road to fame and fortune!

This is what you need for the Zombie Apocalypse

The email came from Hannah Phillips, of eFoodsDirect. It stated, in part, that her company would like to “gift you some of our delicious and nutritious eFoodsDirect storable meals for you to review for your readers. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll have it sent to you.”  

She went on to say that the company’s mission is “to empower every family to have food security in the case of storms, natural disasters, or even financial crises like shrinking income or the loss of a job,” and she even offered me an interview with the company’s Chief Marketing Officer, Steve Vincent.

That’s hot and I really want to try their “storable” meals.

Seriously.

I live on Long Island and we are prone to the kind of hurricanes that can cause month long power outages... That, and the fact that the Zombie Apocalypse is at our collective doorstep.

So, I jumped at the chance to get my free gift from eFoodsDirect.

Hannah,

Thank you for contacting me regarding your delicious and nutritious eFoodsDirect storable meals. I am quite interested in trying them out. Feel free to send my gift to (This part has been removed to protect me from stalkers serial killers my thousands of adoring fans).

I am particularly interested in your special “family preparedness” offers. As you know, the coming zombie apocalypse is on the minds of many folks these days, what with that naked dude eating that other dude’s face in Miami and the recent apparent zombie killing in Maryland. These and other similar incidents have my readers and I scrambling to plan for what lies ahead.  

To that end, I wonder if your food security mission has taken the impending zombie apocalypse into account and whether or not your family preparedness packages are certified for a zombie emergency.

Please advise.

Once I hit “send”, I realized that eFoodsDirect likely won’t send me the free gift that they promised, which is a shame because I was going to offer them a really awesome “zombie preparedness” advertising campaign for a really low price.

I shouldn’t have shown my hand so soon...

I guess I’m still learning.