Last summer, still reeling from my ridiculous arrest a few months earlier, I penned a lovely piece which was basically a big “fuck you” to all the folks who, in my opinion, deserved one.
The post was actually quite popular (three people commented and a stranger retweeted it which, in my book, spells popular) and, being that I posted it on a Friday, I actually thought about making “Fuck You Friday” a regular occurrence. Sadly, like all of my great ideas, I went to bed and forgot all about it.
Ah, but the cosmos have given me a second chance. That’s right folks, the letter “f” falls on a Friday. Its fate I tell ya. I actually have a few clever ideas for an ongoing fuck you Friday series -- it's early morning, so I won’t forget them unless I take a nap. I can’t talk about them though, because you’ll probably steal them and that wouldn't’ be cool because I would have to come to your house and slash your tires.
But I digress...
So, here’s the thing about saying “fuck you” to people.
Its really NOT cool, right? I mean, if you get into it with someone and they give you a reason to say “fuck you” and that’s all you can come up with?
I’ve realized that it makes you look kinda stupid and crass and childish... blah blah blah... and for some reason people get all weird when you drop the f-bomb in the workplace or in the supermarket or on the school playground and you end up looking stupid... or getting arrested.
You see, I’m an intelligent guy.
Really?
I know, its hard to believe... but it IS true.
So, wanting to maintain my status as an intelligent gentleman, I’ve been trying to come up with new ways to say “fuck you,” without actually saying, “fuck you.”
Case in point... I have this colleague. I mean, we don’t even work together. We basically have two separate functions, working for the same organization, and rarely work together on the same project.
At some point, two years ago, we ended up working on the same project, each performing two separate tasks. I completed my task to everyone’s satisfaction. I’m not sure what happened on his end, but obviously something got fucked up along the way.
About a month ago, he sent me (as well as a number of other colleagues) an email regarding some sort of fuck up (Isn’t it amazing how many ways you can use the word fuck?) on this job. The thing is, the fuck up had to do with HIS task, but in this email he “directed me” - he’s not my boss - to “look into” these fuck ups and alluded to the fact that they may have been MY fuck ups.
In response this email, I was surprisingly polite and measured... I reminded him...
This was my job...
That was your job...
This turned out fine...
That got fucked up...
It's simple math... please leave me out of it...
Wouldn’t you know it? An asshole is always going to be an asshole... until you tell them to fuck off...
About a month later, just days ago actually, another colleague forwarded to me an email from the same gentleman, that he sent to the SAME players as the first email... but this time? He forgot to cc me. How fucking convenient! No surprise, yours truly was thrown under the bus...
Let’s take a peek shall we?
“Six and I had directed them to do this...”
“I decided to take these steps because Six thought it was a good idea...”
“I was under the impression that this steps were taken because Six directed them to do it that way...”
Lies. Lies. Lies. You DIRTY fucker.
Now, that was what I WANTED to say, but jumping up and down and yelling “fuck you” doesn’t get you very far...
So how do you say fuck you, without really SAYING fuck you?
Well, you respond to the email you were not supposed to get. You make sure that you cc all of the people that DID get the email and then, as an extra kick in the ass? You cc a bunch of other colleagues that were not involved in the project...
Here are some highlights...
“I was brought up to speed on the current problems with this project and (our fellow colleague) forwarded your email in hopes that I could shed some light. With all due respect, I’m not sure how many times I need to explain my position and my recollection of this project before you stop throwing my name around...”
“You are incorrect that I directed anyone to do this work. Why would I direct them to do anything related to your portion of the project when I was brought in for a totally different reason?”
“This notion that you ‘decided to take these steps because ‘Six thought it was a good idea’... well, I have never heard anything so absurd.”
“Actually, as I re-read this... I have... ‘I was under the impression that these steps were taken because Six directed them to do it that way...’ Are you serious? I’m gonna make this as plain as possible so that everyone can understand: I was hired to do one task on this project. I did it successfully and, to date, there have been no problems. Anything else that happened on your end had nothing to do with me, so I would appreciate it if you would man-up and stop using me as your scapegoat. Thanks.”
Translation: Fuck. You.
I never got a response from him, though I did get positive responses from everyone else involved in the email chain. I also heard from his secretary that after receiving my email he decided to take a vacation because things were getting too stressful.
Now THAT is a fuck you!
4 comments:
"F" is also for fantastic and fabulous my brillian man. Sheer genius, that move.
I still really, really love that original F-You post SO MUCH. I do have mad admiration, though, for your realization that actually saying Fuck You is not often the best way to go. Congrats on making the same awesome point much more eloquent- and elegant- ly. Suck it, work d-bag! (See, I can be classy, too!)
Um....lol, brillianT. (unless we're talkin' bikini waxing...)
@Chantel: Thanks and I will talk about bikini waxing anytime...
@The I's Have It: The classiest!
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